I wake up alone in a cold, empty bed
Last night’s wine coiling around my head
Wish I’d been born Jewish instead
My crappy christmas

I hop aboard a forlorn 36
Housing deviants, neds, depressing pricks
And a man who’s dog just won’t stop being sick
My crappy christmas

I find myself funnelling pints in the local pub
Exchanging anecdotes with men named Chaz and Shug
Fuck me if this passes for a social hub
My crappy christmas

My crappy christmas, yeah,
My crappy christmas
Has a worse day been conceived
For a mind so full and restless
My crappy christmas, yeah,
My crappy christmas
Who knew a day of familial strife
Could make a man so listless

My meat alternative is stifling and dry
While to my horror I witness a pheasant, stuffed in a turkey baked in a pie
Vegetarians need not apply
My crappy christmas

My gluttony I soon begin to rue
Ever more frequent trips to the loo
Before falling asleep during Dr. Who
My crappy christmas

My night ends as my day began
Puking my remnants down a pan
Welcome to life as an also-ran
My crappy christmas

My crappy christmas, yeah,
My crappy christmas
Has a worse day been conceived
For a mind so full and restless
My crappy christmas, yeah,
My crappy christmas
Who knew a day of familial strife
Could make a man so listless